You Don't Need to Change How You Feel to Socialise 🗣️📈🙂

Earlier in my journey of overcoming social anxiety, I fell into a trap 🪤 created by my interpretation of online content that I thought was helping me.

I learnt about this idea of “getting into state”, which was all about focusing on getting yourself into the ideal emotional state for socialising — feeling at your most confident, free and positive, with anxiety absent.

I would meditate before heading out, sometimes for up to an hour. I would also do social fear-facing actions to “warm up”, like asking questions to random people, trying to build enough momentum to get myself into a state where I felt like my shell no longer existed.

Sometimes this idea of manufacturing an “ideal state” worked. Other times it didn't.

But the biggest trap wasn't whether it worked on the day. It was the messages it could reinforce about who I needed to be in order to connect with people:

“You have to be in your best state to connect with people.”

“You can't enjoy socialising when you're not in the best mood or you're going through challenges.”

“You aren't enough as you are right now, and how you feel is a problem.”

The problem with this philosophy is that it can become a crutch.

You don't get some of the most valuable experiences that come from learning to connect with people regardless of how you feel and learning to accept yourself as you are right now.

In some ways, trying to manufacture a great state before socialising is similar to having a few drinks before going out. It might make things feel easier in the short term, but it doesn't necessarily help you build long-term confidence in your ability to socialise without it.

When you drop these crutches and choose to go out into the world and connect with others as you are, you begin to build real-world proof that you can just be yourself.

And, importantly, you take some of the pressure off.

Even if your mood doesn't change, it doesn't mean socialising failed.

Your mood may have remained exactly the same if you had stayed at home — but by going out, you gave yourself the experience of learning that you can still chat to people when you're not at your best.

That's a really valuable experience.

You don't need to be in a falsely positive state to connect with people.

You don't need to wait until your life has no challenges.

And you don't need to wait until you feel ready.

Confidence is built when you make a start and join in as you are right now, with your current life circumstances exactly as they are.

Otherwise, what you're doing is “confidence procrastination”:

"Once I feel like this... once I've sorted X, Y and Z... then I'll finally feel good enough to socialise."

But there will always be another reason to wait.

I'm not saying you shouldn't look after your mood or do things that make you feel good. Of course self-care is important.

But so is caring about the message you're giving yourself.

The message doesn't have to be:

"I need to change how I feel before I can connect with people."

It can be:

“I can feel however I feel today and still take part.”

You are ready as soon as you step out of the house.

And you might discover that you don't need to feel different to have a good conversation, meet someone new or enjoy yourself.

You just need to give yourself the opportunity to find out.

If you're looking for help and support and considering going down the coaching pathway, you're welcome

to check out my coaching page to book a 1:1 session. 💪🗣️📈

Phil