You Don't Know It Will Work - But You Don't Know It Won't

Have you ever wanted something really badly but, because you couldn't guarantee it, your mind told you it probably wasn't going to happen?

Maybe you've noticed this pattern frequently when pursuing something that depends on others, such as dating, career opportunities, or getting your work noticed.

In this blog, I'll focus on why our minds can turn uncertainty into catastrophic certainty, and how holding uncertainty and saying “I don't know” can give you a better chance of moving forwards.

Our minds don't like uncertainty

When something matters to us, uncertainty about the outcome can become threatening. A protective part of our mind may attempt to protect us from disappointment, pain and potential danger by forecasting the worst-case scenario.

You may begin thinking 🤔 “I don't know if this will work."

Your mind can then distort this into "This probably won't work," which can eventually update to “This isn't going to work."

The problem is that the future is unknown — but you've landed on negative certainty.

Some goals are much more controllable than others

Fitness, for most people in most situations, is possible to improve through diet, exercise, sleep, etc. You can continuously build this as long as you don't get extremely unlucky.

Overcoming social anxiety is similar, as there are evidence-based strategies that can help. It's also the case with some kinds of solo businesses, where there can be a strong relationship between action and results. You're essentially growing a project that is largely under your control and depends primarily on you.

Other areas of life, such as finding a quality romantic partner, getting a particular promotion or landing your dream job, can operate differently.

You might do your half amazingly well, but the other person or people have a vote too — and they may choose not to meet you halfway.

Here, you can influence your chances of getting a particular outcome, but it's ultimately a shared decision process.

When we can't control the outcome, we may try to control the story

If you can't control what happens, your mind may try to control what you believe.

So instead of tolerating the uncertainty of "I don't know if I'll get the relationship/job/opportunity," you think “I won't."

The danger is that you've just traded uncertainty for despair.

And that's not a particularly happy way to live.

Fortunately, there's an option in between blind optimism and catastrophe

False certainty would be thinking "I will definitely get the outcome I want."

Catastrophic certainty would be thinking “I definitely won't."

You don't need either.

Instead, you can go for open uncertainty.

This is where you accept that you genuinely don't know what will happen. Therefore, you may as well do what you can, learn from what happens and keep the door open.

Take responsibility for your half

You don't need to take responsibility for the entire outcome, but it is helpful to take responsibility for your half of the process.

In dating, for example, this may mean taking action, working on your confidence and communication skills, putting yourself in the right environments and keeping on going.

It's about maximising what you can control and releasing what you can't.

How to practise this

When you suspect you might be catastrophising, ask yourself:

“Do I actually know this is going to happen?"

And if you don't, try telling yourself:

"I genuinely don't know."

Then follow this with:

“What action can I take today to give myself the best chance of the outcome I want?"

When you genuinely don't know if you're going to get an outcome you desire, you don't need to replace uncertainty with either catastrophe or blind optimism.

You also don't need to know if something will work.

You just need to stop deciding that it won't before giving reality a chance to surprise you.

If you're looking for help and support and considering going down the coaching pathway, you're welcome to check out my coaching page to book a 1:1 session. 💪🗣️📈

Phil