How to Tell if Someone's Toxic

A desire for connection with people is a completely natural and human thing, as living in a solo vacuum would feel lifeless, lonely, boring, and depressing.

However, not all people are going to enrich our experience, and not all relationships are nurturing.

Relationships that drain your joy, decrease your quality of life, and consistently leave you in a worse position could be defined as “toxic.” In this short article, we won’t focus on whether someone is deliberately being difficult or simply unconscious of how their behaviour affects you. Instead, we’ll focus on how to tell if a relationship is unhealthy for you, so you can step away from people who aren’t right for you.

The first parameter to gauge is your confidence in yourself.

You can ask the question: “Does this person generally make me feel more confident being myself?”

This doesn’t mean they have to agree with all of your opinions, but a good friend or partner should respect your right to have your own thoughts, feelings, and perspective.

An example I’ll share here comes from years of doing improv comedy — a hobby I originally took up to build confidence expressing myself.

One of the concepts taught in improv is called “accept and build.” It’s a progression from the idea of “yes and,” where performers accept another person’s contribution as valid and true for them, while still maintaining the freedom to build on it in their own unique way.

The reason this works so well in improv comedy is because shutting down someone’s right to express themselves stifles creativity, reduces confidence and flow, and kills the good vibes.

The same principle often applies in relationships.

If you frequently find yourself feeling less confident expressing yourself after spending time with someone, it may be best to reduce the amount of time you spend around them — or possibly step away from the relationship altogether, depending on their role in your life.

Another important parameter to keep an eye on is your openness to life.

If someone consistently makes you feel less open to going out, connecting with others, trying new things, and enjoying life, then spending too much time around them could gradually lead you towards becoming more isolated and closed off.

As well as asking whether someone supports you being yourself and growing from a healthy place, it’s also important to look at whether they respect healthy adult boundaries.

For example, you may need to finish hanging out at a certain time so you can complete work, go to the gym, recharge, or pursue a hobby. A good friend or partner should be able to respect and support this.

When people react with guilt-tripping, anger, manipulation, or hostility towards normal healthy boundaries, that’s often a red flag.

There are many other “red flags” people could look for, but I don’t think it’s healthy to move through life guarded and carrying around a huge mental checklist of behaviours while constantly analysing everyone around you.

Sometimes the healthiest thing is simply to pay attention to how a relationship affects your overall wellbeing.

And if you’re genuinely confused or unsure, getting an unbiased outside perspective can help. I offer a free taster coaching session, which people sometimes use for this exact purpose, so you’re welcome to book a slot if that feels useful to you.

Focusing on these three parameters — self-confidence, openness to life, and respect for healthy boundaries — will serve you well when choosing nurturing relationships over draining ones.

Phil