Got Social Anxiety? How to Still Have an Active Dating Life
Depending on your lived experiences and life situation, dating can either feel easy or incredibly difficult — sometimes even next to impossible. There’s a huge amount of nuance in people’s journeys in this area of life.
If I’m working with a client (male or female) who really wants a dating life but isn’t actually getting dates, there are two go-to questions I ask them. These originally came from the guy who mentored me when I was building my own dating life and overcoming social anxiety:
1. Are you having conversations with people you’re interested in dating?
2. Are you asking out the people you’ve had conversations with?
If my client can’t answer yes to both questions, then on some level they’ve closed down their own dating life.
The encouraging realisation is that this can be changed. Of course, it requires an experiential journey (see my article on collecting evidence to bolster your beliefs), but it is absolutely workable.
The first step is figuring out where your “pool of opportunities” is. This could be:
* dating apps (not my personal preference, but people do find dates on them)
* singles events
* your workplace
* hobbies and classes
* friendship groups
* public spaces like coffee shops or bookstores
* or many other environments where people naturally interact
Once you’ve committed to your pool — or pools — it’s important to consistently show up there and have natural conversations with people, including those you’re romantically interested in.
Next comes the discernment stage, which is all about reading the vibe and situation:
* Do you naturally connect?
* Do you share interests and values?
* Does the conversation flow well?
* And importantly, are they single?
When you discover someone you align with in this way, the next step is bravely asking them out. Something simple like:
> “I’m really enjoying getting to know you — would you like to go for coffee sometime?”
At this stage, you also have to face the possibility of either a yes or a no. You cannot control another person’s decision, but by consistently showing up well in the world and taking opportunities when they feel right, you absolutely give yourself a solid chance of getting a yes. And a bit like a high quality striker who consistently does the right things on the pitch, they may not score with every shot or in every game and perhaps even go through dry patches but across a season you would bet on them to net a good number of goals.
Finally, if you’re setting up a date for another day, it’s important to formalise the plan and confirm properly. For example:
> “Hey Sarah, it was really awesome meeting you earlier.”
And then after they reply:
> “I’m excited to spend more time with you at 2pm on Sunday ☕ See you outside the café.”
If you want to ask me any questions about this stuff, feel free to email me at (philmorrison678@gmail.com), book a taster coaching session, or join my events community.
And I do want to acknowledge that this can be a genuinely challenging journey for many people. It certainly was for me, and I’ve seen this with clients too. But don’t let that put you off — it is fully doable if you’re willing to put in honest effort, stay consistent, and get support when you’re stuck.
Cheers,
Phil
