Why Making Friends In The UK Can Feel Hard (And What Actually Helps)
At my Social Anxiety Mastery events, I see people on different (often overlapping) personal journeys.
One group I regularly meet are people who moved to the UK as adults — often for work — who have genuinely tried to build a social life but after months or even years still feel quite isolated.
For example, I’ve met software engineers who moved here from Pakistan, and a woman from the United States who relocated with her family. What they often say is interesting:
"British people are nice. People are polite. Conversations are friendly… but friendships don't seem to develop."
They've made effort. They've put themselves out there. But they still feel slightly on the outside looking in.
So what’s actually going on here?
Why making friends can be harder when you move countries as an adult
If you ask most adults in the UK where their friends came from, you'll often hear things like:
School
University
Previous workplaces
Shared hobbies built up over years
Friends of existing friends
In other words, many friendships here are built through long-term exposure environments.
Now imagine someone who spent their childhood and early adulthood in another country, then moved to the UK at 25 for a hybrid job.
They may have:
No school network here
No university network here
No existing social circle
A job that doesn't naturally create friendships
Compared to someone who grew up here, their access to organic friendship opportunities is naturally reduced. Not because of ability — but because of circumstance.
This actually overlaps with something I deeply relate to from my own social anxiety journey:
Starting your social life as your authentic self in adulthood can feel like arriving late to a party where everyone is already mid-conversation.
Or like joining a university course late when everyone already has their groups.
This is not a lack of ability.
Often it's simply timing and structure.
The mistake many people make: Being around people isn't the same as making friends
One of the biggest insights I share with clients is this:
Being around people is not the same as making friends.
Being around people is just the first step.
I often explain friendship formation as a simple 3-stage process:
Stage 1: Access (being around people)
This includes things like:
Gym classes
Meetup groups
Workplaces
Volunteering
Social events
This gives you access, but not automatically connection.
Many people get stuck here and think something is wrong with them when friendships don't immediately form.
Nothing is wrong.
You're just at stage one.
Stage 2: Connection (going beyond the surface)
This stage usually requires:
Repeated exposure (familiarity)
Small moments of honesty (vulnerability)
One-to-one conversations outside the group dynamic
This is where people start to actually know each other rather than just recognise each other.
Stage 3: Initiative (where friendships actually form)
This is the stage many people hesitate at.
Friendships usually form when someone takes small social initiative.
This can be as simple as:
Grabbing coffee
Going for a walk
Doing a shared hobby
Attending another event together
For example, if you regularly chat to someone at the gym and both enjoy hiking, you might say:
"I'm thinking of doing a hike at [location] sometime next month. You're welcome to join if you'd like."
Low pressure. Natural. Simple.
If there's interest, you exchange numbers and follow up.
This is often the real turning point.
Position yourself around people on a similar journey
Another thing that helps massively is positioning yourself around people who are also looking to grow socially.
This naturally creates:
Shared understanding
Psychological safety
Common conversation topics
Mutual openness
This was actually one of the main reasons I built my social confidence community. People often join and immediately feel understood because everyone is working on something similar.
And within any group like this, there are usually a handful of people you naturally click with.
It still depends on alignment factors like:
Lifestyle
Location
Interests
Stage of life
Mindset compatibility
But being in the right environment makes stage 2 of the friendship journey happen much more naturally.
A real example from my community
A great example is Matt (shared with permission), who first came to my events very shy and without a friendship circle.
He first made one friend he went bowling with. Then he built connections with me and other regulars. One member taught him pool. Later he connected with others who now attend weekly singing classes with him.
It didn't happen overnight.
It happened through:
Repeated exposure
Small social risks
Consistency
Being open to connection
This is a very normal and realistic friendship growth path.
Being from another culture can actually be a strength
Yes, moving to a different culture and sometimes language comes with challenges.
But something many people underestimate is this:
Many British people are genuinely interested in meeting people from different backgrounds.
Your different experiences, perspectives and stories can actually become great conversation starters.
Just as you're open to meeting British people, there are many British people open to meeting you too (myself included).
Practical starting points if you feel socially stuck
A great starting point could be:
Looking at events happening near you
Joining activities you genuinely enjoy
Finding communities focused on growth
Practicing small conversations consistently
Giving yourself time
And if you want support, you don't have to figure this out alone.
You can:
Come to one of my events
Join future virtual events (coming soon)
Ask questions in the community
Book a free one-to-one taster coaching session
With the right exposure and patience, many people can build meaningful friendships within a year.
Final thought: You're probably not behind
If you're trying to build friendships in a new country and it feels slow, you're probably not failing.
You're probably just earlier in the process than it feels like everyone else is.
And that's a very fixable place to be.
If you'd like support with this journey
If you'd like a supportive place to practice social confidence and meet others on a similar journey, you're very welcome to:
Attend one of my events (see events page)
Book your free coaching taster session (see coaching page)
Reach out with questions
You don't have to do this alone.
Phil
Bonus: Upcoming event idea
I'm also currently developing a virtual speed friending event (similar to speed dating but focused on friendship) using a platform designed to help people easily meet others looking for genuine connection.
We’re also open to running these in different cities.
If this sounds interesting, feel free to email me and let me know.
