Not Every Friend Needs to Be a Close Friend 🤝

I’m sure we've all had the experience of meeting up with a supposed friend, spending time with them and coming away feeling drained rather than recharged.

Something I've learnt through my own experience overcoming social anxiety, building a coaching business and forming friendships is that it pays to recognise which types of friendship you're naturally suited to with different people.

Not every friend needs to be a close friend, and that's absolutely fine.

Activity Friends vs Deeper Friendships

There are people you're happy to spend time with when you're doing an activity together, whether that's watching a film, going bowling or meeting up as part of a group for a meal.

However, you might find that spending several hours of one-to-one time with them leaves you feeling drained.

These individuals can still be genuine friends. You're on friendly terms, you enjoy seeing them and you're happy to do things together. You simply might not be naturally compatible for a deeper friendship.

There are several reasons this can happen.

1. A mismatch in conversational style

For example, someone might be a very fast talker who takes up a lot of conversational space without being particularly aware of how much space they're leaving for you.

You could make a conscious effort to speak up more and claim your fair share of the conversation, but if you have to keep working at this, it can become tiring.

Rather than being able to relax and enjoy yourself, you're constantly managing the interaction.

This doesn't necessarily mean either person is doing anything wrong. You might simply have different conversational styles, and the amount of effort required to find a comfortable balance can make a difference to how much you enjoy spending time together.

2. Different attitudes towards personal growth

Another factor can be the difference between how someone approaches their challenges and how you approach yours.

For example, if someone spends their spare time repeatedly complaining to me about their social anxiety but isn't taking any steps to address it, I can find that frustrating.

I've put considerable effort into overcoming my own social anxiety over the years. I've done live improv comedy, given public talks, attended regular social events to face my fears, invested in coaching and continued to challenge myself in other areas of life.

I'm not suggesting everyone needs to approach personal growth in the same way I do. However, when I'm enjoying my leisure time, I naturally gravitate towards people whose approach to life feels compatible with mine.

If I'm spending several hours listening to someone repeatedly complain about a problem without any interest in doing anything differently, I can come away feeling drained rather than having enjoyed my time off.

3. A lack of mutual emotional support

Another reason can be a mismatch in empathy and emotional support.

Some people are happy to talk at length about their own problems but struggle to make space for yours. When you share something that's bothering you, they might change the subject, bring the conversation back to themselves or offer advice that leaves you feeling misunderstood.

Of course, friendships aren't always perfectly balanced. Sometimes one person needs more support than the other, and there will be periods when one of you has more going on.

But if the relationship consistently revolves around one person's experiences, with little room for the other, it can become emotionally exhausting.

For a deeper friendship, I want to feel that we can both show up as ourselves, share what's going on in our lives and feel heard.

This Isn't About Blaming Anyone

I want to be clear that this isn't about judging other people or holding resentment towards those who aren't a natural fit for a deeper friendship.

People have different personalities, communication styles, circumstances and levels of self-awareness. Someone who isn't particularly compatible with me might have a wonderful, fulfilling friendship with somebody else.

It's not necessarily about who's right or wrong.

It's about recognising how different relationships affect you and choosing how much time and energy to invest in each one.

If someone is great fun to go bowling with but leaves you feeling drained after hours of one-to-one conversation, you don't have to force the relationship to become something more.

You can simply enjoy going bowling together!

There's no need to create unnecessary conflict, withdraw completely or convince yourself that the person is a bad friend. You can appreciate what works about the relationship without expecting it to meet every social need you have.

Recognising the Potential for a Deeper Friendship

When I spend longer periods of one-to-one time with someone, there are certain things I pay attention to.

Does the conversation flow naturally? Do we both have space to speak? Can we talk about a variety of subjects without having to force things? Do I feel comfortable being myself?

And perhaps most importantly, how do I feel afterwards?

If I come away feeling energised, relaxed and glad we spent time together, that's a good indication that there's potential for a deeper friendship.

It doesn't mean every interaction has to be effortless or that we can never disagree. All friendships have their moments. But if spending time together generally feels natural and mutually enjoyable, that's something worth nurturing.

It means I can invite that person to spend more time together in my leisure time, knowing the experience is likely to enhance it rather than leave me feeling depleted.

Of course, there are other factors involved. Trust takes time to establish, and shared interests, values, reliability and mutual care all play a role in building a close friendship.

You can't determine the entire potential of a friendship from one meeting. People also have off days, and sometimes a connection takes time to develop.

But paying attention to how you feel across repeated interactions can give you useful information about which friendships you want to invest in more deeply.

Build Friendships That Work for You Both 🤝

You might have several different categories of friendship.

You could have people you mainly see for activities, people you enjoy chatting with at social events, newer friends you're getting to know and a smaller number of people you've developed a particularly strong level of trust with over time.

There's no single correct way to organise your social life.

The important thing is to recognise that you don't need every friend to fulfil the same role.

When you stop trying to turn every friendly connection into a close friendship, you can put more of your time and energy into the relationships that genuinely nourish you, while still appreciating the others for what they bring to your life.

Ultimately, a close friendship should feel mutually rewarding over time. You both enjoy each other's company, feel comfortable being yourselves and benefit from having one another in your lives.

So rather than asking yourself whether someone is a good or bad friend, try asking a different question:

“What kind of friendship works naturally for us, and how do I feel when we spend time together?”

The answer can help you build a social life that feels more enjoyable, balanced and sustainable.

Cheers,

Phil

*And as usual if you’re looking for coaching feel free to reach out and book a session on my coaching page :)